It started out well.
He seemed so… well, normal. Not needy. Not demanding. Gracious, even. Polite. Maybe guarded is the better word, looking back.
He listened when I talked. Held doors open. Sent thoughtful texts.
But as we got closer—emotionally and physically—things began to shift.
At first, it was subtle.
He’d sigh when I said I had plans with friends.
He’d pout if I needed a quiet night to catch up on work.
He started keeping score of where I was spending my time.
And no matter how many family dinners or weekend getaways I invited him to, he always found a way to feel left out. Offended.
If someone teased him, he’d bring it up in the car ride home:
“Your brother was mocking me.”
“That friend of yours thinks I’m stupid.”
“I don’t think your family likes me.”
I found myself defending him to everyone else and defending everyone else… to him.
And when I tried to hold space for my own needs, it was somehow always framed as rejection.
Suddenly, I was walking a tightrope I never agreed to be on.
The Problem with dating the “Perpetual Victim”
When someone always plays the victim, you’re the one who ends up carrying the blame.
People with this mindset don’t just want empathy—they want control. Every disagreement becomes a personal attack. Every boundary becomes “abandonment.”
It may feel like they just need a little more love or understanding. But the truth is: no amount of reassurance will ever be enough for someone who refuses to take responsibility for their own emotions.
Partners stuck in victimhood often learned early on that vulnerability equals survival. If they could appear wounded, they’d be cared for. If they could play small, they’d be safe.
As adults, that belief turns into a relationship dynamic where they:
- Twist minor moments into major betrayals
- Use guilt to get attention
- Constantly test your loyalty
- React dramatically to normal boundaries
And you? You end up doing emotional gymnastics just to keep the peace.
It Impacts You (And Your Self-Worth)
Over time, being with someone like this chips away at you: You start second-guessing your instincts. You over-apologize, just to keep things calm. You feel responsible for their happiness. You shrink parts of yourself just to make room for their wounds
The cost of being with someone who won’t take accountability is steep—because you end up taking it all on
What Healthy Love Looks Like
Healthy love doesn’t need you to prove your loyalty on a loop. It doesn’t punish you for having a life outside the relationship. And it doesn’t turn your emotional bandwidth into a measuring stick for worthiness.
Healthy love sounds like:
- “Thanks for inviting me—I enjoyed meeting your family.”
- “I missed you this weekend, but I hope you had fun.”
- “Let’s talk about what I’m feeling—not blame you for it.”
You’re not selfish for wanting ease. For wanting joy. For wanting someone who doesn’t see you as their emotional crutch.
You’re not “too much” for wanting a partner who can stand beside you, not beneath you.
Choose Self-Worth Over Self-Sacrifice
If this dynamic sounds familiar, you’re not alone—and you’re not crazy. You’re just waking up to a pattern that was never yours to fix. If you have a journal, use these prompts to write.
Start by asking:
- Where have I confused empathy with enabling?
- How often do I abandon my own needs to soothe someone else’s ego?
- What would it feel like to be in a relationship that actually supports me?
I found this article to be interesting:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/honor-bound/201605/10-red-flag-behaviors-in-a-relationship
